ELLER|RUNSTRONG

This song was in my brain when I woke up this morning to go run. Of course, as the alarm went off, I did not want to run. But my legs were starting to sweat and get ancy, and I knew I couldn’t sleep any longer. This was my 2nd run this week of 3 miles. It has been a long time since I’ve been running. But yesterday I went to the doctor.
On your runs, you think. And it’s quiet time. Reflecting on things, and dreaming about others.

Today this phrase hit me: I’m not where I want to be, so I need to stop living like I am, and start fighting to LIVE.

It applies on so many levels, but like I told my doctor, it’s like I won’t get rid of the clothes that don’t fit because I keep waiting for them to fit… yet I’m not doing anything to make that work. I’m living where I am not. It’s like at night when I eat popcorn and ice cream, hoping that one day sugar will actually lower my blood sugar instead of waking up at 200. I’m not living where I am. I took vitamins yesterday, drank water, gave up Coke Zero, ate vegetables, and maintained a 135 blood sugar all day, waking up with a 128.
You know what you need to do, you just need to do it. But do it where you are, not where you want to be.

Hmm.
I sat there thinking this very thing tonight in Tate’s bed, listening to Jackson’s mouth.  It was 8:45pm, after a long day. Up early to watch TV. Off to Blakely’s birthday party at the skating rink.  The boys got to play some alone, skate, eat cake, enjoy themselves away from the girls.  Early dinner at the Clyde Pizza House, with bouncy balls.
We’ve tried to give the kids their own journals for many years now.  A place they can just write, draw, express, or doodle. At times it’s enjoyable to read. Others, we’d rather not know.  But tonight, Jackson felt it necessary to read us his feelings for the evening.
“My parents are stupid.  Here are some of the stupid things they do.  My dad is stupid. My mom is stupid.” And many other things that after that, I really was having a hard time listening too, but it followed that theme.  Wrapping it up with, “this day was stupid and boring, and I didn’t have fun at all.”

And as I laid there, wondering what in the world I should say or do, or rebut, refute, rebuke his comments, it hit me.

Son, I have provided for you.  You were hungry today, and you had food.  You asked for money for chocolate, and I gave it to you, you ate an entire Hershey bar alone.  Well, you did give me one square.  You asked for quarters to play Galaga, and I gave you some.  You wanted to play air hockey, and you did.  We let you play until 8:30pm tonight, watching TV and movies today.  Giving you hugs and love in ways that are just taken for granted sometimes.  And now, here we are at the end of the day.  Bedtime.  Time to stop and rest.  And you call me stupid.  Do I really have to explain all of these things to you?  Will you understand them, even if I did? Do you even fathom the gifts that a parent gives his child?  A father, his son?  Do you realize the extent of pain those little comments have on your daddy?
I have an instinct to correct or reprimand, but the truth and wisdom that knows, there are just things that you need to say outloud…. and I’ll let you, because I am your father.  It hurts, but I know you are learning how to express yourself.  And I trust that the times when I can teach you about my love will continue to come, and the times we can sit and talk about how the verbal vomits impact my feelings.  And times we can assess the harshness of this life, and how things don’t go our ways, and yet we know who our Father is, where our love comes from, and the hope for tomorrow to be a better day.

Because Jackson, I even wrote a song about these same things, wondering where in the world my Father was.  Is he there? Is he listening? Can he stop, fix it, change it? Yes.  Doesn’t he know things are stupid today? Yes, he does.  And if it’s anything like today, he is probably as hurt as I am, knowing the pain, but also wishing he could just wrap his arms around me and say “Steve, it’s ok.  I am here.  Talk out of your butt all you want.  I will still love you.”

Here’s my song: True Gift
I don’t see you around much anymore. I’ve even called your name out a time or two.
I’d love it if you’d answer me just one day.  Even more if you showed me you were true.

I can see everything that you made. Even steps to show me, that you were here.
But the one thing I need the most right now, Is to know somehow, you’re very near.

Chorus: Oh Lord, I know, that you’ve been here before.  And it probably seemed that I was there with you too.
If I could only look at you, in the eyes, I’d step out on that road, and run for my life.

The other night I was looking, looking for you. Searching in the sky, through your stars
It’s as if you’re there, but I can’t see you. Oh welcomed day to me, when you don’t see so far.

Can you believe the news we got today. Of all the people it could be, it was me.
How much longer should this suffering be. Before the sun dissolves the clouds above.

Chorus: Oh Lord, I know, that you’ve been here before.  And it probably seemed that I was there with you too.
If I could only look at you, in the eyes, I’d step out on that road, and run for my life.

Ok, tonight I wanted to try something different in my training. I ran 1 mile to the ACU track in 10:30 and was going to try some speed work. I thought running 200m at a time would be good. 1st time. #1 was about 42:17s. #2 was 44:33s, and #3 was 41:40s. After #2, I told myself if I didn’t beat my first run, I would have to do it again. On both #2 and 3, there was a moment of nausea that occurred about 100m into it. Very strange, but I pushed through. After these 3, I walked back to the light, and ran back home another mile, a slow mile this time, about 12:00pace. Oh well. It seemed my mind was stuck at spurts, rather than distance, and every 2min I had to rest. The last half mile I was able to find a rhythm.
Plan is to run my long Saturday, about 8-9miles. The weather looks lovely, and they even used the “S” word with the temperature dropping to the 30’s Saturday morning. Let’s hope it holds off.

Went out this afternoon for a 4.5mile run. As soon as I stepped out the door, the sun came out. I was about .5miles into it when the asthma hit. When I say asthma, I mean running induced asthma. Which usually means, I’ve been sitting for too long, the humidity is up, there’s dust in the air, or my lungs need work. So I took some deep breaths, had to stop for a few moments, and picked right back up. I crossed over Ambler and walked briefly, feeling some tightness in my shin muscles. I decided to run to the end of the street, which would put me around 1.3 miles. Lately I have found myself visualizing riding a bike to keep my feet together, rather than having them slam the pavement at different spacings. Seems to work, and keep my lower body in line with itself. The tough moments, I’ll start counting to 100 every time my right foot lands. This will usually get me through the “struggle” of the moment. I hit the turn around, which ended up being about 2.25 miles at about 25min. Legs were sore as I walked the first part and began to run. The sun was out, and there was a slight breeze in my face on the way back. Typical for Abilene I guess, a wind out of the north. I made it back home at 52:16 for an 11:04min pace, and a 4.5mile run. Felt good. It’s been a while since I’ve run a pace like that for so long.
The Buffalo Gap Steamboat Half marathon is about 10 days away. I think I’ll be ready for this one. And looking forward to the FULL in Gruene in October.
RUNSTRONG!
Steve

Today I started a series on marriage in our Sunday class, with a slant toward relating it to training for a marathon. This last week has been quite a slap in the face, and probably a defining moment for our entire family… and that moment of either, time to quit or time to fight. Well, we choose fight. I am well on my way to having my 3rd half marathon of the year, and I reckon we might as well count December09 Half, so we can say this will be the 4th month in a row for running a half marathon.
Today was beautiful, clear blue skies, 80 degrees, and not windy…which is odd for us. So tonight, I went out for 3 miles. 1st 1.5mile split 10min/mile@15:00. Walked for 2minutes, and then ran back 10min to complete at 32:00.
For those of you who can’t run, I run for you.

March 27, 2010, Steamboat Mtn Half Marathon, Buffalo Gap, TX.