One of my first parenting/therapy books was by a genius in his field, Richard Wolters. In his book “Water Dog” he gives great advice and technique in how to train your dog for duck/bird hunting. In one of the tips, the command is LEAVE IT. Which explains exactly what it says; do not touch it, do not pick it up, do not lick it, do not play with it, do not grab it, do not paw it, do not chew it, do not move it with your nose…LEAVE IT! And when the dog doesn’t respond, there is a consequence. Sometimes it’s being popped on the nose. Or shocked with the collar. Or popped elsewhere, but the dog is reminded of the command, and the desire of the owner for him to LEAVE IT! It doesn’t take long for the dog to remember the meaning of the command, because the situation turns hellish when he won’t comply. Sometimes, Mr. Walters recommends talking to the dog in a way that shows disappointment, and disgust with his disobedient behavior and inability to respond to the command.
Join me now, will you, as we sit down and talk for a bit. You can sit there in that chair, and I’ll sit right here across from you. Tell me, what’s going on today… And that’s how we begin our counseling.
This weekend I was in training for equine assisted psychotherapy, using horses as part of the treatment team for counseling/therapy. They are quite good at their job, and somehow, they can read the spirit of a person. It’s an amazing thing to watch, how one horse can block the anxiety and fear a person shows, and will literally stand between them and the point of anxiety. And the horse doesn’t say a word. Not one… no not one. (sing it) In one of our activities, we were given 2 statements/sentences/questions in the interaction with the client. Our team consisted of 3 people, which means only 6 questions can be made in the 12 minute time frame. Wow, 6 questions? How are we going to do that. It definitely made you reconsider your verbal vomiting. Contemplate why I felt the need to talk. Evaluate the statements I wanted to make, and their need to be expressed.
Part of the role of a therapist is to be aware of the things you bring into the session. Sometimes they are called biases, sometimes it’s called ‘my crap’ and sometimes ‘my sh*t’. Either way, these things will get in the way of dealing, listening, and working with the clients goals and struggles. They will interfere, they will destroy, they will distract, they will overwhelm, they will undercut, and they may deter the clients from sharing or even returning.
Today I was sharing something with a few therapist friends, and that’s all I wanted to do… share. I did not want a solution. I did not want their comments. I did not want their war stories. I just wanted to vomit out my crap and LEAVE IT! Sometimes just doing that is enough for a client, I know it would have been enough for me. But then they started talking. And talking. And talking, and then it was no longer about me.
Man, no wonder clients don’t return sometimes. We use up our verbal knowledge and uneasy feeling of human-conflict to try to make ourselves feel at ease with the stuff we just heard. So in a self-protected manner, I will inadvertently ignore what was just shared, and cushion the self-anxiety by matching or one-upping the story, and providing a “blessing” to the situation. When, in all honesty, it just plain sucks. No wonder clients don’t return sometimes.
We know it’s there. We heard it. We see it. But we just don’t know what to do with it. Great, you got exactly what Richard Wolters meant…. LEAVE IT. When it’s time, they will pick it up and throw it again.